Now, please ‘Deliver’ me focused amnesia

Now, please 'Deliver' me focused amnesia (Image 1)

I've been finding it hard to put into words just how maddeningly illogical, stupid, weird (in a creepy way) and — most importantly — unfunny “Delivery Man,” a new “comedy,” manages to “succeed” at being.

But my dear friend and fellow “Delivery Man” victim, Danyell, put it best about half an hour after the screening ended: “I think that movie is going to ruin good moments for the rest of our lives. I'll be about to enjoy the best chocolate when … '[Expletive], 'Deliver Man!''”

She's onto something (as she usually is). Writer/director Ken Scott's film is so painfully terrible it made me yearn for films that I've seen that were just terrible. The difference is simple: “just terrible” means you didn't like it, might want your money back but you don't feel duped; “painfully terrible” is when you get angry because you're not going to get your 2 hours back, or the gas money to the theater.

If I could somehow target the brain cells that contain my memories of “Delivery Man” and kill them all, I would do it every single time (no matter how many parallel dimensions you visited).

To say that “Delivery Man” might be the worst film of 2013 is putting it nicely. This is one of the worst films I have ever seen and (as I'm writing this) I'm getting angry at the notion that anyone thought someone might like this film.

Vince Vaughn stars as David, the delivery driver for his family's meat business who does not appear to actually make deliveries. He's supposed to be your lovable down-on-his-luck everyman, but he spends a lot of the film acting in ways that are creepy, bizarre and confusion-inducing. You might find yourself shouting at the screen, “Why are you … What the… What is wrong with You!?”

Or even

“Did this guy get hit on the head really hard but they just forgot to show us that part?”

For instance, David shows up at his girlfriend Emma's apartment at 3 a.m. and gives her flowers he stole from her neighbors' garden. Emma (Cobie Smulders) then informs us that she hasn't or heard from him in weeks, and she's pregnant.

I'm pretty sure this scene was supposed to be cute, but it's a good illustration of how nothing ever makes sense in this [expletive] movie. Who shows up without calling at 3 in the morning? I did that to one girlfriend once, when I was 19, and she got furious!

Emma isn't angry at all, just slightly annoyed.

She's also a New York police officer, someone who wears protective gear every day at work. She's pretty, smart and rational. I don't why Mr. Scott expects any of us to blindly believe that she's just going to throw caution into the wind and use no contraceptives with a meat delivery driver who apparently disappears for days and weeks on end so regularly she doesn't get mad any more.

I'm not saying that her getting pregnant isn't in the realm of possibility, but I am saying the movie doesn't even address the contraceptive issue, and a movie that respected its audience would.

So David then finds out that a bunch donations he made at a shady fertility clinic resulted in 533 biological children, and 142 of them are suing to reveal his identity. The 142 people are so serious about this that they rent out a conference room at a super nice hotel to discuss the issue.

I'm not sure why a bunch of teenagers wouldn't choose a more practical hotel or just meet under the third gazebo at the park, but — once again — the film is not made for anyone whose brain processes logical thoughts and has logical questions.

At different points throughout the film, while deciding whether or not to just reveal his identity, David begins to stalk many of the 142 children. He visits them at work and other much, much, much creepier things, and never tells them who he is. I don't know why we're just expected to accept this as normal, rational behavior but — once again — the film is not made for anyone whose brain processes logical thoughts and has logical questions.

Now is probably a good a time as any to say SPOILER ALERT because I don't care if I ruin the movie for you if it means you don't watch “Delivery Man,” and if you're still reading now, I'm kind of doubting that you will.

After all the dust settles and the creepy and illogical stuff is said and done, the case has become national news that gets mocked on the nighttime talk shows. David then decides to reveal his identity — and he does it through a Facebook post.

[Expletive] Facebook, are you serious! What is wrong with this guy?!? David literally attended one of their meetings at the awesome hotel conference room where everyone knows each other and no one made the connection because they're apparently as idiotic as their bio-dad and can't figure out that the stranger in the room everyone knows, the only person who is 20 years older than everyone else, is the man they're looking for.

One guy does figure it out, but only because he overhears David's BFF/lawyer say something about it. Does he tell anyone anything during all this time he interacted with them? No. Does he go to court for the boring hearings that all 142 kids apparently have the time for? No. Then he tells them … with a Facebook post.

Are you kidding me?

Here's the thing: the entire movie is like this. We spent the entire movie, and an hour afterwards, wondering why anything that happens could be easily accepted by anyone. I wanted to pull my hair out constantly.

Also, it's not funny at all. I probably should have mentioned that sooner, but I get angrier the more I think about this movie and I forgot. My sincere apologies.

The only positive thing I can think of about “Delivery Man” is that at least Danyell doesn't hate me for dragging her to this wretched, no-good, lousy son-of-a-son-of-a-movie.

So to Danyell: I'm really sorry. I'd promise to make it up to you, but there is no machine that can somehow target the brain cells that contain our memories of “Delivery Man” and kill them all.

“Delivery Man” is rated PG-13 for thematic elements, sexual content, some drug material, brief violence and language

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